Beyond Pride

Last Wednesday was Z-Diggity's last day of preschool.  His class was supposed to have a field trip to release the butterflies they had been raising, but it was unfortunately rained out.  Since I had volunteered to go on the field trip, I decided to stay for the class anyway.  I got to accompany them on their short rain walk to release the butterflies, watch them practice for their spring tea, and join them in playing in the gym.  I haven't gotten to spend much time in Z's class this year because I typically can't bring the littlest along, so having this chance to witness him in action was amazing.  It was quite an emotional day for me!

When we started this school year, Z was very resistant to going to preschool again.  He was painfully timid and anxious.  When I dropped him off, he would cling to me, hanging on my pants or coat as I signed him in and put his snack in the fridge.  He clung to my foot when I tried to leave.  Every day was a struggle to get him to go to school.  He sat outside the circle, often curled in the fetal position or with his head buried in his hands.  He wouldn't look at people, he wouldn't talk to people, and when his teacher came near him, he hid under the table. 

The past couple months, he has been a very different child. He takes off his own shoes and puts his indoor shoes on himself.  He goes to the carpet and sits with his aide and sometimes even forgets to give me a hug.  He participates in circle time.  He does his crafts.  He plays with the other kids.  He eats snack at a table with other kids.  On Wednesday, I felt like I was witnessing a miracle.  I know, it sounds like hyperbole, but the transformation was so remarkable.  I watched my son happily join his class outside, looking at the butterflies and chasing bubbles in the rain. (By the way, if you never have, try blowing bubbles in the rain sometime!  The moisture in the air makes the bubbles bigger and stronger.  It's quite cool!) Then, I got to see him get up on stage with his class, audibly sing the songs they were practicing for their spring tea, and quite animately, do the actions.  I was teary.  Even 5 months ago at his Christmas concert, that didn't happen! He played with his classmates and eagerly took charge of the timer for the bouncy castle, letting everyone know when it was time to give someone else a turn.  He does like to be in charge! Then he went back up to his classroom and showed his little brother the ropes, so he'll be ready for his turn next year. 

Even with his success on Wednesday, I was a bit apprehensive about Friday's actual performance.  Would his anxiety overtake him when he looked out and saw the gym packed full of people?  I should have had more faith!  He walked onto the stage , stood tall and proud, and joined his classmates in singing and doing the actions to all 3 songs!  

Proud does not even begin to describe the way I felt.  I am proud of all 3 of my children, every day.  They are growing up to be wonderful young men, each in their unique way.  But there is something about watching your child overcome so many obstacles - resentment at not getting to go to the school he wanted to, severe anxiety, social difficulties - to completely transform and blossom, that goes beyond pride.  I'm not even sure what the right word for it would be.  Some people seem to have charmed lives.  Things come easily for them.  They sail through school, they're always surrounded by friends, they seem to excel at everything they try.  Sometimes, I envy the parents of those children.  I wish my child could have such an easy life.  I wish that he did not have a diagnosis that means he will probably always struggle with social interaction; always be the one who is a little bit odd. But if I did have that child, that easy child with the Midas touch, I would never know this feeling of watching your child succeed beyond what you thought was possible, of watching them emerge from a cocoon, just like the butterflies they released, as one of the most beautiful butterflies of all. 

Before I end, I have to give credit to his amazing preschool teachers and the team that worked with him, especially his aide.  They were all so patient, caring, and worked so hard to discover what worked best for Z.  They kept a sense of humor and weren't afraid to get silly with him, which is what he responds to best. (Probably because he has a very silly mommy!) I know we would not have seen this success if they had not all put their hearts and souls into working with Z and I will be forever grateful.  Thanks to them, he will be entering kindergarten with the knowledge that he can overcome his anxiety and make it in school. 

                                                       Grad Pictures taken by one of his teachers.

Mommy's obligatory last day of school picture.


*I'd love to post the video of him singing, but it shows some of his classmates and I'm leary of posting other people's kids here. So you'll just have to take my word for it that he did amazing!