Summer's Almost Over, Already?!

Well, it has been awhile since I've posted!  Just so you know, that will probably be par for the course for me! It has been a busy, and wonderful summer! We have enjoyed spending most of our weekends up at the lake, exploring some places in central Alberta, checking out some new parks and spray parks with friends here at home, and a 2 week visit to the husband's parents in Northern Ontario.
I'll let the pictures do most of the talking!

We stopped at the Jungle Farm in Innisfail to pick strawberries on our way out to the lake one weekend.  They were so delicious! And we have been delighted to find a couple patches of Saskatoon berries right at the campground!  The boys have been loving the fresh berries!  Not too many that they pick make it into the bowl though! :) 

We took a trip out to Blackfalds one weekend because we'd heard they have a great waterpark there.  Indeed, they do! There's a spray park, a wading pool, a bigger pool with a lot of fun spray features, waterslides, and a lap pool.  The boys had a blast!  They easily could have stayed all day! It was a great day for it too, nice and hot!  C-Biggity is the only one who will chance the waterslides, and loved them, but the other boys loved the rest of the park.  They also have a great playground and an exercise park right next to it so mom and dad can work out while the kids play! The boys got a kick out of trying out all the exercise machines. 

We love Calaway park!  We've only made one trip there so far this summer, but hopefully we'll squeeze at least one more in!  C-Biggity was very excited to try the new log ride, Timber Falls.  He was scared the first time, but immediately asked to go again! A-Ziggity enjoyed it too.   C-Biggity was also excited to be tall enough to go on the roller coaster.  Grandma has to come along in order for him to go on that though, Mommy doesn't do upside down roller coasters! 

They put on a carnival out at the lake and the boys had a great time playing carnival games and of course, getting cotton candy and popcorn.  As you can see, I have some very goofy boys.  Supposedly, they get that from their mother.  I don't believe it! (Ha!) 

We decided to give Discovery Canyon, right outside of Red Deer, a try this year too.   C-Biggity loved tubing down the natural slide.  Z-Diggity was good with one ride, and A-Ziggity tried it a couple of times, but I don't think he felt very safe in the tube.  He's shaping up to be quite the little daredevil, like his big brother! It's a fun day trip.  We'll definitely go back, but next time, we will bring chairs and some shade! 

We've filled our time at home, in between camping trips, exploring spray parks and playgrounds in the city with my best friend and her kids.  We also took a trip to Bowness Park with my mom and some of the boys' cousins.  They are always up for a playground or waterpark! 

The boys love the pool at the lake.  We love having it there!  It's been great for increasing their confidence in the water.  C-Biggity especially is really improving his swimming skills.  He could spend hours in that pool!

This weekend, we're looking forward to the Halloween in August celebrations at the lake, and then spending one last week our there before school starts back up.  It's hard to believe the summer is almost over!  It has flown by, which I know I say every year.  The 2 older boys will be back to school on September 1, and the littlest starts preschool the following week!  All my babies will be in school this year! What is this mommy going to do with 2 kidless mornings a week?

Hope you all are enjoying your last weeks of summer! 

Beyond Pride

Last Wednesday was Z-Diggity's last day of preschool.  His class was supposed to have a field trip to release the butterflies they had been raising, but it was unfortunately rained out.  Since I had volunteered to go on the field trip, I decided to stay for the class anyway.  I got to accompany them on their short rain walk to release the butterflies, watch them practice for their spring tea, and join them in playing in the gym.  I haven't gotten to spend much time in Z's class this year because I typically can't bring the littlest along, so having this chance to witness him in action was amazing.  It was quite an emotional day for me!

When we started this school year, Z was very resistant to going to preschool again.  He was painfully timid and anxious.  When I dropped him off, he would cling to me, hanging on my pants or coat as I signed him in and put his snack in the fridge.  He clung to my foot when I tried to leave.  Every day was a struggle to get him to go to school.  He sat outside the circle, often curled in the fetal position or with his head buried in his hands.  He wouldn't look at people, he wouldn't talk to people, and when his teacher came near him, he hid under the table. 

The past couple months, he has been a very different child. He takes off his own shoes and puts his indoor shoes on himself.  He goes to the carpet and sits with his aide and sometimes even forgets to give me a hug.  He participates in circle time.  He does his crafts.  He plays with the other kids.  He eats snack at a table with other kids.  On Wednesday, I felt like I was witnessing a miracle.  I know, it sounds like hyperbole, but the transformation was so remarkable.  I watched my son happily join his class outside, looking at the butterflies and chasing bubbles in the rain. (By the way, if you never have, try blowing bubbles in the rain sometime!  The moisture in the air makes the bubbles bigger and stronger.  It's quite cool!) Then, I got to see him get up on stage with his class, audibly sing the songs they were practicing for their spring tea, and quite animately, do the actions.  I was teary.  Even 5 months ago at his Christmas concert, that didn't happen! He played with his classmates and eagerly took charge of the timer for the bouncy castle, letting everyone know when it was time to give someone else a turn.  He does like to be in charge! Then he went back up to his classroom and showed his little brother the ropes, so he'll be ready for his turn next year. 

Even with his success on Wednesday, I was a bit apprehensive about Friday's actual performance.  Would his anxiety overtake him when he looked out and saw the gym packed full of people?  I should have had more faith!  He walked onto the stage , stood tall and proud, and joined his classmates in singing and doing the actions to all 3 songs!  

Proud does not even begin to describe the way I felt.  I am proud of all 3 of my children, every day.  They are growing up to be wonderful young men, each in their unique way.  But there is something about watching your child overcome so many obstacles - resentment at not getting to go to the school he wanted to, severe anxiety, social difficulties - to completely transform and blossom, that goes beyond pride.  I'm not even sure what the right word for it would be.  Some people seem to have charmed lives.  Things come easily for them.  They sail through school, they're always surrounded by friends, they seem to excel at everything they try.  Sometimes, I envy the parents of those children.  I wish my child could have such an easy life.  I wish that he did not have a diagnosis that means he will probably always struggle with social interaction; always be the one who is a little bit odd. But if I did have that child, that easy child with the Midas touch, I would never know this feeling of watching your child succeed beyond what you thought was possible, of watching them emerge from a cocoon, just like the butterflies they released, as one of the most beautiful butterflies of all. 

Before I end, I have to give credit to his amazing preschool teachers and the team that worked with him, especially his aide.  They were all so patient, caring, and worked so hard to discover what worked best for Z.  They kept a sense of humor and weren't afraid to get silly with him, which is what he responds to best. (Probably because he has a very silly mommy!) I know we would not have seen this success if they had not all put their hearts and souls into working with Z and I will be forever grateful.  Thanks to them, he will be entering kindergarten with the knowledge that he can overcome his anxiety and make it in school. 

                                                       Grad Pictures taken by one of his teachers.

Mommy's obligatory last day of school picture.


*I'd love to post the video of him singing, but it shows some of his classmates and I'm leary of posting other people's kids here. So you'll just have to take my word for it that he did amazing! 

Our Little Piece of Heaven

Last summer, we decided to try renting a seasonal spot at Pine Lake.  We loved the ease of being able to set up our trailer and leave it there, rather than loading and unloading it each week, and hauling it out to the campground every time we went camping.  It also gave the boys and I the freedom to go up any time we wanted once they were out of school, which we couldn't have done otherwise, since I am not a good enough driver to tow a trailer! We really enjoyed our time at the lake, with the beach, the pool, the freedom for the kids that they don't have here in the city, and the activities at the campground.  So we decided to stay a few more years!

A view of our site and the deck before the planters were added

This year, we moved to a new site that is a bit bigger and backs onto a swamp, instead of more trailers. We love hearing the bullfrogs, crickets, and various birds.  The sound of crickets takes this MK back to her days in Africa, where they were a constant background sound!
Since we plan for this to be our summer home away from home for a few years, we made it homey!  Jeff spent the first couple of weeks building a large deck and added some stairs and planters to dress it up.  We are loving our new site and all the space we have there!  We've had a couple of beautiful weekends up there already, where we pulled out the pool and sprinkler, and are looking forward to many more this summer!

A team effort building the deck! 

Our outdoor cooking center and our back view

The boys spend a lot of time on their bikes and scooters.  They are getting really good!  Cole has mastered riding a two-wheeler and Zach has gotten the hang of peddling, all in just a couple of weeks!

It's always a treat when we get to fill up the pool! Love the action shots here! 

Of course, the fire is one of the highlights of the weekend!  Zach is especially fond of the fire.  Or maybe just of s'mores! 

 We enjoyed a visit from Grandma and Grandpa and hope to have more visitors this summer!

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Our Journey

I started this blog last fall, not too long after our middle son was diagnosed with Autism, in order to chronicle our journey. But, I have only posted a handful of posts since then, and really have not posted about that journey at all! There are a few reasons for that.  Mainly, I have been busy!  A diagnosis of autism brings with it a whole host of professionals, meetings, and therapies. Add in 1 child in school full-time, one in preschool 3 afternoons a week, and one still at home, and the structure of our days has completely changed. The second reason is that I have been conflicted about how much to share. I wanted to blog both as a way to process my own emotions and in the hopes that I might eventually be an encouragement and support to other parents walking this road. However, I want to be respectful of my children and of their privacy. I also want to be careful how I present autism. I do not want to focus on the negatives and send a message that my child is a burden,  He is not! He will never be a burden. So, I feel I must choose my words and my stories carefully, and sometimes, that prevents me from putting my thoughts into words.  It is a bit daunting, putting our story out there for all to see.  I know, I do post occasionally on Facebook, but because I keep my privacy settings restricted to friends, I feel at least an illusion of privacy there.  Here in the blogosphere, anyone could read our stories, and the idea is a bit intimidating.  However, since this month is Autism Awareness month, I do want to try to post a bit more, and I thought I would start with telling you a little bit about the journey we have been on this past year.

Z-Diggity was born healthy and developed very normally as an infant and toddler.  He met all his milestones, was a pretty happy little guy, and aside from some difficulty with pronouncing some speech sounds, never showed significant signs of developmental delays.  He had some growth issues that eventually led to a diagnosis of Celiac Disease when he was 4. In the fall of 2013, Z-Diggity started preschool. He had a hard time separating from me and participating in the class, but we thought that was normal and it would improve over time.  It didn't.  He was working with speech and occupational therapists to address the speech sounds delays and some fine motor delays, and shortly after Christmas, the school asked us all to meet.  They said that Z was becoming increasingly stressed and anxious at school.  He wouldn't play with the other kids at all, he would move as soon as anyone joined him at a center.  He wouldn't eat his snack unless he could have a table to himself.  He wouldn't participate in therapies at all.  He wouldn't respond to his teachers.  And he appeared to be finding it increasingly difficult to let me leave when I dropped him off.  Concerned, we requested that the psychologist from the team he was working with come and observe him.  We thought we were likely dealing with some kind of anxiety disorder. I started researching and decided that it was probably separation anxiety disorder.  The word "autism" came up, but was quickly dismissed.  He just didn't seem like a child with autism to us.

After observing Z in the classroom, the psychologist asked to talk to us.  Her words hit us like a ton of bricks.  "Have you ever considered that he may have autism?"  We hadn't.  Not seriously. Yes, he was rigid.  We thought he was just stubborn and quirky.  He focused on certain topics and talked excessively about them.  We thought he was just really smart!  He was so verbal, he could carry on a back and forth conversation, he played interactively with his brothers, he showed affection, he just didn't fit what we thought autism was!  Oh how uninformed we were! The psychologist began the assessment process and even as I filled out all the questionnaires, I had my doubts.  I suppose a lot of it was denial.  Family and friends who we told had a hard time believing it too.  But, when the results were all in, we were told that Z did indeed have moderate Autism Spectrum Disorder with features of ADHD as well.

There are some things a parent never wants to hear.  "Your child has cancer."  "Your child is missing." "Your child has been arrested." "There's been an accident.  I'm so sorry..."  "Something doesn't look right on the ultrasound."  "Your child has autism." Please understand that I do not equate being told my child has autism with being told that they have died or have a fatal or life-threatening illness or injury.  We feel incredibly blessed that our son is alive and is physically healthy.  Nonetheless, we had been told that he had a permanent disability.  For the rest of his life, some things will be much harder for him than they are for "neurotypical" people.  He is much more likely to face bullying.  He is more likely to struggle to obtain and maintain employment and may end up being underpaid because of his disability.  He is more vulnerable to being taken advantage of.  Living independently, getting married, having children, none of those things are guaranteed for him. We still have our child, but that day, we lost some our hopes and dreams for his future.  We were plunged into a world of uncertainty. The grief is not the same when you are told your child has a permanent disability, but it is still a very real grief.  We grieved.  We still grieve.  But we also have hope.

We made the very difficult decision not to enrol Z in kindergarten for the upcoming year, despite the fact that he would be turning 5.  Because of the funding and additional support available for preschool children, we decided, with the strong recommendation of his psychologist, to put him into preschool for another year.  He was not happy.  He hated preschool and believed that he would be much happier in kindergarten. It turned out to be the best decision we could have made.  Z is now working with an aide, a speech therapist, an occupational therapist, and a physical therapist.  We also have the support of a psychologist.  The team has been wonderful and very supportive.  Z has made huge gains this year.  He participates in class discussions.  He eats his snack with the rest of the class.  He talks to his classmates and allows them to play with him.  He does crafts and goes to the gym.  He got up on stage at the Christmas concert.  He didn't sing, but just standing up in front of everyone was a huge step! Perhaps the biggest step is that he now lets me leave the classroom with a big hug and he sits down with his aide and engages with her!

The past year has not been easy.  Our lives have changed.  It can be very overwhelming having people coming into your house all the time.  We have something going on, aides, preschool, playgroup, every day Monday through Friday.  I have to keep my house tidy now! (I think my husband may be thankful for that one!) We still struggle with behaviors.  Understanding them does not always make them easier to deal with.  Many times, it seems we take 2 steps forward and 4 steps back.  We have learned so much over this past year, and we still have so much more to learn.  We realize that we are in this for life.

I think the biggest thing that has changed for me this year is my perception of my son.  I have always loved all 3 of my boys fiercely.  That has not changed.  But I have come to see Z differently now.  I recognize that he is still the same boy he was before we started down this road.  He is affectionate and loves snuggles.  He is smart and has the memory of an elephant.  He can tell you what month everyone in the family's birthday is in.  He can tell you anything you might want to know about Star Wars Rebels, and then some!  He could be your tour guide at the Zoo! He has an awesome sense of humor and loves to trick people and make them laugh.  He has a magic smile and a laugh that you can't help laughing along with.  He takes awhile to warm up, but once he does, he is chatty, friendly, and a lot of fun.  He plays well with his brothers, most of the time.  He craves approval, just like any other child. And he is strong.  Large social groups cause him tremendous anxiety, but he goes anyway.  He gets out there and he lives his life, even though I'm willing to bet some days, it would be far easier for him to hide curled up in his Batman blanket in his bedroom.  He is a superhero.  He is teaching me to be strong, to keep going when I want to run away to get away from the screeching.  To be patient when I simply cannot understand why he is refusing to eat this time.  To stand up and fight for him when he is not given the support he needs, which I know we will inevitably face. To find the humor in life, and to accept and celebrate those things that make all of us wonderfully unique.  He is wonderfully unique.  Fearfully and wonderfully made.

We have challenges.  We have days when we want to give up.  We have a whole lot of love.
We have hope.

                                       Rocking some orange hair for crazy hair day at school.

Back to school!

Yes, the kids have been back at school for over a month now, so I'm a little late on posting this!  Sigh! I wonder why I bother having a blog if I'm going to write in it so infrequently!  But, sometimes life calls, and it has been a busy month!

C-Biggity is in grade 1 this year and is loving it.  I was a bit nervous about how he would make the transition from half days to full days, as he does love his play time at home, but he seems to have had no issue with it.  There are times when you can tell he'd rather just be at home playing, but he does really enjoy school.  We have had his first parent-teacher interviews and were very happy to hear that he is doing well, trying his best, improving on his printing, and getting along well with his classmates.

First day of school pictures

                                                         At his first day of school assembly                                                

 

Our first morning back to school sadly did not go quite as well as I'd hoped.  While C was getting dressed, his brother took it upon himself to erase the sign I had made, resulting in tears, an annoyed mommy, which resulted in more tears, a then very guilty-feeling mommy,  and no time to take pictures.  Fortunately, the day got better and C still had a great first day at school.  And I learned an important lesson; that getting the perfect picture is not what it's all about!  And we did get our pictures when he came home!

Z-Diggity is in Jr. Kindergarten this year.  He could have gone to kindergarten, but we decided, after the struggles he had last year, to give him another year of jr. kindergarten, with some extra support.  We also moved him to a different school.  So far, we are feeling like this school is a much better fit for him.  We appreciate the increased communication from his teacher, the smaller, cozier class, and the teacher's understanding and support for children with special needs.  Z still says that he hates school and has a very difficult time separating from me when it is time to go, but according to everyone else's report, he is adjusting well and is having fun while he is there.  He is developing a great relationship with his aide and she seems to be excellent at drawing him out! He is also starting to interact with his classmates, which is a huge step for him!

And of course, he is as cute as ever!  Excuse the pillows in the background, we were getting ready to go out to the trailer! :)

Both boys have a lot of fun activities coming up and I am really looking forward to watching them learn and develop this year!  As for the littlest, I need to find him some "school" as well, because he is feeling quite left out!  He likes to take his backpack when we go to Z's school, and says we need to go to his school too!  But I'm not ready to have all my babies out of the house yet! 

Happy 5th Birthday, Z-Diggity!

My Dearest Middle Son,
Five years ago tonight, I crawled into bed, tired after a fun, busy weekend at a family reunion out in Rowley, having no idea that by noon the next day, I would have my second son!  I have to say, I was pretty tickled when I woke up in labor at 5:00, on Labor Day! :)  You were in a hurry to get here, barely letting us get to the hospital on time, and you have been keeping us on our toes ever since!

You are our little tiger.  You are so full of life and energy.  You run and bounce from one thing to the next.  You love your brothers and you are a very affectionate and loving older brother.  You are learning to be helpful and generous. This year, we have discovered that you love animals.  Well, you don't want to get too up close and personal with them yet, but you love learning about them!  We've made great use of our zoo passes this year!  You love to tell us about animals and you want to be a zoo keeper when you grow up.  You are also fascinated with Switzerland and plan to live there when you grow up!  We're not sure how that is going to work with your plan to be the mayor of Calgary, but I'm sure by that time, technology will be advanced enough that it will be possible! :)  And hey, you just might be the best mayor we've ever had! I love the special relationship we have, the way you love to cuddle with Mommy and have me sleep with you at night.

My sweet boy, I want to tell you how much I admire you.  This past year has been full of challenges for you.  You started preschool, and you didn't love it the way your big brother had and the way we all thought you would.  But you went, and you stayed, and you toughed it out, even though it was more of a struggle for you than we realized. Right before Christmas, you were diagnosed with a disease that meant you had to change the way you ate and give up a whole bunch of your favorite foods, including Christmas cookies!  But you handled it with such grace and acceptance.  You handled the news better than your dad and I did! You accepted no longer being able to eat your favorite foods and you have quickly learned to ask, "Does this have gluten in it?" before accepting any food from other people.  I am so proud of the way you have dealt with this!  And then, this past spring, we found out that you had a condition that made it difficult for you to relate to other people socially.  That was why you found preschool so hard, you didn't know how to interact with the other kids and it was scary for you.  I wish so much we had known earlier and could have supported you more with that.  But you learned your own ways to cope and you made it through the year.  You are so strong and have such a "never give up" attitude.  You are determined to do things yourself, even when it's difficult. And even when situations are incredibly stressful or difficult for you, you find a way to get through them.  You have taught me so much in the past few months.  It breaks my heart to think that some things are always going to be more difficult for you.  But I know that you will overcome, because you are determined and you are a fighter.  You are my hero!

We've had a lot of great things happen this past year too.  We all loved camping at the lake this past season! You got braver in the pool and learned to ride a scooter, and you're eager to learn to ride a bike too!  I bet by the end of next summer, you'll be riding like a pro! We had a great visit with Grandma and Grandpa.  We've had fun trips together and a lot of adventures.  And the upcoming year holds even more excitement for us.  Like our trip to Disneyland next month!

My Z, I love you so much.  More than I ever dreamed possible.  Even when we're having our roughest days and I lose my patience, I love you.  I will always love you and I will always be your biggest cheerleader.  I pray that you will grow up to be strong, confident, and compassionate, and I know that you will achieve whatever you decide you want to achieve, because you won't give up until you do.  You are strong, you are brave, and you are amazing!

Happy 5th Birthday, my sweet, amazing Boy.  May this year be full of happiness, adventure, and love!

All my love, forever and always,

Mommy

To my oldest on the eve of your first day of grade 1

My dear Boy,
Your backpack is packed, your lunch is waiting in the fridge, we've decided what we're having for breakfast tomorrow,  and it's quiet upstairs, so I think you've finally fallen asleep.  I think you were a bit excited about starting school tomorrow!

Tomorrow you start Grade 1. It's not your first year of formal schooling, but it is the start of a new chapter in our lives. For the past 6 1/2 years, you have spent the majority of your time at home with me and your brothers.  We were the people you talked to, played with, confided in, and learned with.  Starting tomorrow, you will be spending 7 hours of your day with other people.  That will be the better part of the time that you are awake.  Your teachers will join your dad and I in teaching and guiding you.  For a large part of the day, they will be the ones teaching you to read, write, share, take turns and show respect.  You will be spending more time interacting with your friends than with your brothers.  They may expose you to some things you haven't encountered yet at home.  They may know how to do things we haven't tried here, they may eat foods we don't eat here, they may speak in languages we don't speak or celebrate holidays we don't celebrate.  I am excited that you get to have the input of so many more people in your life.  Your teachers seem wonderful and I am so happy that between them and your friends, you will learn so many things that you might not have learned here at home with me.  But I'm a little nervous too.  Not everything that you learn over the next several years will be things I would have chosen for you to learn.  You may learn what it's like to be bullied.  You may be a witness to racism. You may learn about dangerous and unhealthy habits, about intolerance and hatred.  Those are things I wish I could shield you from.  But I cannot.  I can only hope that in the past 6 1/2 years, I have laid a foundation that will help you to overcome the challenges you are going to face throughout your life.

I hope I have taught you how very loved you are.  I love your spirit.  You are enthusiastic and full of life and energy.  You approach life head-on, ready to tackle anything it throws your way.  You welcome and accept everyone, without any discrimination, and you are always happy to share whatever is exciting to you with whoever is nearby.  You are kind, generous, and gentle.  You get excited about the opportunity to help those in need.  You are a busy and active boy, but you still take time to stop to snuggle, to sit on my lap for a story, and you still love to hold my hand while we are walking.  You are curious and want to know every possibility!  The words we hear most often from you are, "What if..."  You are eager to learn and love to explore.  I know that you are going to love all the new opportunities for learning and exploration that you are going to have in Grade 1!

I hope you never lose your spirit, your love for learning, your joy for life.  I hope that you always see people the way you do now, as equals, as worthy of your time and attention, regardless of appearance or anything else. I hope you always find joy in giving and in helping those in need.

And now, I have to tell you a little secret.  You might think that the most important thing is how you do in school.  What grade level you're reading at by the end of the year.  How many words you can spell.  What your report card looks like.  Here's the secret.  It's not.  I want you to always do your very best, but it doesn't matter to me whether you read 3 grade levels ahead of where you are or whether you're still learning to read basic words by the end of the year.  What matters to me is who you are.  I want you to be strong.  Trust yourself.  Don't be afraid to try new things, but trust your judgement. If you feel like something might be a bad idea, be brave enough to say no.  Be kind.  Always be kind.  When you hear kids saying mean things about another kid, don't join in.  When you see someone being picked on, stand up for them.  When you see someone alone, be their friend.  If someone never gets invited to any birthday parties, invite them to yours.  I promise you we will make sure you can still invite your other friends.  If you see someone struggling, help them, or help them find the help they need when you can't give it to them.  Remember that we all have so much worth to God and treat everyone as the precious human being that they are.  Remember that YOU matter!  The way you think and feel, matters!  When no one agrees with you or no one seems to care what is important to you, you matter. And even if it feels like everyone else is against you, remember that Mom and Dad are always on your side.  We will always fight for you.

Most of all, remember that at the end of the day, you are coming home to a family who loves you to the sun and moon and back.  Whether your day has been awesome and filled with excitement or the worst. day. ever!  We are here to listen, to share your excitement when you learn something new or make a new friend, to hurt with you when you hurt, and to help you deal with bumps in the road. I hope you will always feel like you can talk to us about anything.  And know that we love you and are proud of you, no matter what.  We are proud of the boy you are and the person you are becoming, and there is nothing you can do to make us love you less.

Now, go out there and take on the world!!
All my love,
Mommy